


Preservation

by Zeds_Dead



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Bottom Erwin Smith, Depression, M/M, One Shot, eruri - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-16
Updated: 2017-09-16
Packaged: 2018-12-30 12:02:57
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,215
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12108303
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Zeds_Dead/pseuds/Zeds_Dead
Summary: He had to make it better. Had to. The problem was he also had no idea where to start.





	Preservation

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Kittyboo98](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kittyboo98/gifts), [kaguneko (alittlecoco)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/alittlecoco/gifts).



There was no life left in usually sparkling blue eyes, a dull glaze having taken over the beautiful stare which struck abject fear in Levi's heart. He'd never seen such absolute dejection before, the absence of any joy gazing back at him and it made his stomach drop and spin in sickening waves, the very real prospect of seeing his salad again growing ever nearer.

Erwin sat stock still on the couch, hands clenched into balls on his thighs, knuckles white. It was bad. Very bad and Levi didn't know what to do, stood useless at the door as his brain tried to reason with the situation. He'd been admittedly inattentive of late, the stresses of work weighing heavy on his nerves but now his job seemed like the most unimportant thing in the world, Erwin's sorrow written across his face like words carved in living stone.

'Inattentive' was perhaps a slight understatement, nagging remorse pulling at Levi's mind as he rapidly recalled his behaviour over the past months - Distant. Snappy. No sex-drive. Avoided Erwin some nights to the extent of sitting out in their summerhouse in the evening alone until he knew his partner would be asleep. None of it was Erwin's fault, simply the inexcusable and emotionally stunted actions which came to Levi with ease. He stressed, his anxiety levels grew, none of the old methods worked anymore…so Levi turned to whiskey and cigarettes again. Lonely. Self medicating. Closed off. Unequipped to sort himself out, let alone his husband.

And he needed to sort Erwin out. God, Levi could fill a book with the times he'd come to Erwin's aid over the years, not that he minded. When promising in sickness and in health, Levi had meant it with every fibre of his being, still did, but now he found himself useless and reclusive, a combination all of his own design.

He'd been selfish, Levi could see that now and he shivered visibly, cursing his inability to fight against the tide which engulfed him further daily, hating that he couldn't keep his head above water for long enough to recognise how much damage he'd done. Levi dug his nails in harshly, crescents likely to stay for days across his palms as a reminder of his failings - he had let Erwin down. Let them both down. If he thought further about it, Levi probably knew a while ago that he was unintentionally hurting their relationship but shame hadn't allowed the fact to break through, that and a strange sense of self preservation.

To admit these shortcomings would usually throw Levi in deeper, force the breath from his lungs and any remaining reality from his grip but he had to be strong now, had to battle hard out of his own storm of depression long enough to save the one thing worth salvaging in this world - Erwin. And to do so was going to take a lot more than a 'sorry' or a quick kiss. Levi pushed down the bitter taste of regret, silently vowing to stop shutting Erwin out and let his husband help, just as he had helped in the past.

But would it be so easy to erase all of the lonely evenings? So simple to sweep neglect under the carpet? Levi started to doubt the effectiveness of any words he could muster and he hung his head, a dark cloud forming inside which grew claws and begun to suffocate him from within. The cloud had a voice too, snide and cutting, Levi's own steady internal tone dripping with sarcasm that was deadly enough to make him question even bothering to breathe.

_Why would he forgive you? All you've done is fucking hide away. Little fucking piece of shit. You can't even tell your own husband how you're feeling, or when you need help or just want to fucking sit and be held. Erwin's too good for you. Probably thinks you're having an affair or something. You spend more time outside than you do in his presence. Fucking drunken fool. Of course he won't forgive your shitty fucking behaviour._

It continued to goad loudly as Levi stood like a mannequin in the doorway, his work shoes still on and tie pulled loosely away, the previous plan of skipping dinner and getting wasted in the garden now cancelled. But he wanted to. Fuck, he _needed_ to. If Levi started talking, the floodgates would be opened and who knew where that might end.

_It might end in a healthy expressive conversation, you prick._

The voice challenged Levi, poked and shamed him into action. He knew he'd fucked up. Now he just needed to see how far he was willing to venture outside of his carefully built walls. Erwin had been within those boundaries once, promoting and supporting his own constructive methods - sessions, therapy, self-help, all things which Levi had abandoned or let drop to one side for the sake of…what? The sake of fucking what? Cowardice. That was it. And now all of that spineless ignorance came down to one massive heap of shit and a singular truth - Erwin was going to move on. Find someone worthy. Levi couldn't let that happen.

Unexpected adrenaline flowed through his veins, crept into every organ until he practically vibrated with nervous energy, clueless as to the next move. He saw Erwin hurting though, how badly he was hurting and that flicked a switch inside of him, base reaction kicking in.

Levi did all he could think of at the time and swept across their living room, dropping to his knees at Erwin's feet in a display of submission and apology, fingers reaching over stretched denim. He tugged at Erwin's jeans, fretted at the stitches like a string of rosary beads as Levi soundlessly spoke his prayer, a nauseous sensation inside sending bile to his throat. He gulped, the lump not moving one bit and Levi let his hands do the talking, urgently gripping and begging for an answer, anything…

Cold sweat sprung up on his brow as Erwin opened his mouth to speak, surely about to deliver those final nails into the coffin - 'it's not working…we need time apart…I can't be with you…'

Levi's skin screamed, burnt and prickled whilst his heart hammered against his chest, beating a deathly rhythm which scolded him, berated him for not being a better husband, damned him over and over again. This was it. Levi knew it. The hair on his scalp crawled with certainty, his moist clammy palms stroking in desperation on Erwin's pants…Levi wasn't ready, the glassy expression above surely about to shatter his existence and break his heart into sharp dangerous shards.

Erwin started, suddenly focussed and he stared down, jaw working with an audible grinding of teeth. He looked wretched, emptiness filling a dulled cobalt that held little more than desolation as he prepared to speak, disbelief in his unusually wavering voice.

"Levi…I…we…"

"Don't say it Erwin please don't say it please…"

Levi's whispered words ran into one long sound of grief, tone shifting higher and he jumped when Erwin clutched at his hands, holding tight for something which felt like support.

"Levi…I'm sorry but…"

It sliced hot through Levi's soul, one word prying his resolve open uninvited…but, but, but, but…

"But what?"

He didn't want to ask, lips moving of their own accord as Levi's ragged query was finally answered, all of his trepidation melting away to be replaced by confusion.

"But Levi…we ran out of cake."

Levi stopped. Held his next words in so he didn't make light of the situation, tried to build a coherent picture prior to his usual blast of icy dismissal. He spoke through his teeth, attempting to hide the hiss that nonetheless came through.

"Cake?"

"Yes, cake." Erwin glared defiantly, solemn angst still dominating his features and he pointed to the kitchen. "I made us dinner. Your favourite. The cake was for dessert but I must've eaten it yesterday."

"Erwin, what are…"

"I needed to do something, Levi!" Erwin stood abruptly, knees locked and Levi fell to his ass in surprise, gaping upwards as nonsense gave way to serious reality. "I thought maybe, just maybe…if we sat down and ate together, maybe you would finally fucking talk to me. But I couldn't even get that right, huh?"

"Erwin..."

"No. Let me speak."

Levi flinched, the raw emotion in Erwin's voice making his flesh prickle and heart sink. He'd done this. Driven Erwin to breaking point and he could do nothing but listen, shaking hands finding the coffee table behind where he sat sprawled on the floor. He lifted himself slowly, eyes on Erwin at all times as if one wrong move would instigate hell and Levi carefully dropped to the wooden surface, gripping tight to the edge as he waited.

"Levi, this isn't fair." Erwin sighed heavily, slumping back to the couch with his body hunched forwards, at Levi's eye level. His voice softened, faded and cracked by years of living and months of anguish. "How am I supposed to help you if you won't even tell me what you're feeling?"

"I…"

"You used to. Or you'd show me, at least. But now…" Erwin's chin touched his chest, head shaken slowly from side to side as Levi caught on to the fact that this was not a two way conversation, not yet. He owed it to Erwin to listen. "Nothing. What do you even do out there? You're shutting me out Levi, and that's not alright. There's only so far I can get on guess work. You're not an easy man to read, you know?"

Silence filled the living room, thick and ominous while the pair chewed over their thoughts, a million excuses springing to Levi's mind and the same amount of questions in Erwin's. Levi stayed quiet though, fingers worrying together and he picked at already shockingly short nails, his habitual practise coming out in times of stress. Erwin couldn't look up, clasped his hands and nodded instead; he was afraid of what he would see should he lock gazes with the man he loved but felt a hundred miles away from. A tired smile pulled at his lips, one weary chuckle accompanying the gesture which made Levi almost groan in sorrow.

"I could read you once. Remember? Those days you couldn't even get out of bed? And I'd just come crawling in there with you instead of forcing you up. Watched trash on TV. Held you. Made sure you knew you were loved."

"Erwin."

Levi's voice sounded like rough metal, corroded and worn, Erwin's eyes finally flickering upwards for a second before dropping again, the pain in Levi's silvery pools currently too much to bear.

"I know, Levi. I know it's hard but…" Erwin swallowed, chasing away the hot tears that stung cruelly. "Let me back in. We can fix this. We need to. I can't spend another evening...sitting in here...on my own...wondering what is going through your mind..."

Erwin wrung his hands in fretful motions, head bowed as salty drops stained his cheeks, glistening in the dim light and easy to see. Levi gave a strained whimper, one arm reaching out to stroke the wetness away but he hesitated, unsure whether he was allowed to touch. Instead he dug his fingers to his palm again and let the limb fall useless to his side like dead weight, body as crumpled as his soul. He had to make it better. Had to. The problem was he also had no idea where to start. Erwin filled the gap, speaking through sniffs.

"It's not your fault Levi…I don't blame you for…for any of this…you didn't choose to have this horrible…" He took a long intake of air, passing over having to use the words with a flick of the wrist. "But you have to stop ignoring it, Levi. You have to stop…ignoring me…I love you. I want to help. Let me help. Please. It's not your fault…it's not your fault, I'm sorry, please?"

Levi groaned and gripped onto his own hair, yanking hard. Here he was, the worst most dismissive husband in the world, someone who slid out the door every night to drink himself to sleep rather than speak to his lover…and then there was Erwin. Begging him to let him provide assistance. Apologising for nothing. So fucking perfect and forgiving that it made Levi want to tear his eyes out.

"Erwin I…I don't…I'm s…"

"No, don't say sorry!" Erwin's fraught sadness had been replaced by soft understanding, his stare now unwavering despite the tears which still ran steadily. "You don't have to speak. I can see now."

Large hands enveloped Levi's, so warm, so real, so damn close and he squeezed back, wondering how he'd lived for so long without this touch. Erwin managed to extract one hand, lifting it to cup Levi's cheek gently.

"This look, Levi. I know. I know how much you're hurting." Erwin smiled lightly, a gesture tainted by sorrow. "You don't realise how expressive your eyes are, Levi. It's all I need. All I need is to see you. Please don't take that away from me."

Levi mirrored Erwin, thumb settling on his husband's cheekbone as a trail of moisture ran over his skin, wretchedly warm and he continued to lack any sufficient language, tiny noises his only ability.

"I…it's…"

"No Levi, don't. You couldn't explain it even if you tried. You don't have to. Just...just let me in."

"Erwin…" Levi leaned forwards, both palms at Erwin's face and he whispered darkly. "I'm scared."

Erwin nearly lost control, his chest hitching to keep the sobs inside - he'd never heard such naked words from Levi before and to have them out in the open cut deeper than a sword.

"It's ok…it's ok Levi…to be scared…it's ok…shhh…"

There was an electrifying moment between them of complete bare emotion, equally the most honest and most anguished they'd ever felt before and neither could breathe, caught fast on one another's torment. Regardless of Erwin's reassurances, Levi was drowning in remorse, his head spinning and vacant all at once as he struggled to deal with everything; his uncharacteristic confession, his guilt, Erwin's good nature despite all their troubles.

One beacon of light tried to smash its way through the inky fog of Levi's thoughts, fought to be the pinnacle of truth in an otherwise barren landscape and he mentally clung to it, embraced it, sucked it dry until his core was permeated in a single thing. Erwin. Levi had always needed him and for some reason, vice versa. Whilst Levi wasn't in a position to comprehend exactly why he deserved such amiable treatment, for once he opted to say 'fuck it' to reason and succumbed to unquestioning love.

His first kiss landed haphazardly, grazing the corner of Erwin's mouth and Levi tasted hot tears, lids drifting down so he didn't have to see his husband's suffering, feeling it was more than enough. His lips brushed sideways, parted and dry, seeking out contact and Levi pressed his cheek to Erwin's, nose burrowing into his ear, tone ghost-like and barely there.

"Thank you."

Erwin pounced, arms hugging tight and he buried his face into Levi's neck, pushed and nuzzled further with his eyes squeezed shut, openly weeping now as he let all of his fears go. Something had clicked between them, the sheer necessity of each other becoming thick like blood and Levi inhaled it, used the shock of having Erwin crumble in his embrace to force the darkness to dim slightly. Erwin needed him too and Levi had forgotten that, allowed his misfiring thoughts to eclipse all else. The truth was they were both just as fragile as the other, two humans in an often cruel world, blown around by the storm of life but holding fast.

And now Levi remembered.

Erwin's tears gave him a power, a raw strength that promised to rush them away and replace the distress with comfort and he spoke gently, his rumbling voice cutting through the last gulps from Erwin.

"Upstairs."

Erwin didn't question the order, only let himself be commanded and he relinquished control, all the years of being that steady dependable pillar now currently breaking away for his own good. It would easy for an outsider to think that Erwin breezed through life without a care, always so cheerful and polite, ready with a winning smile and good advice but he found it exhausting, drained by his own facade.

Levi was the only one who could wholly see through it, way back since the day they met. It had taken him a little while to figure Erwin out though, orbiting around the man in skittish circles of observation. Levi called him on it soon after the session, polystyrene cups of piss-water tea sipped carefully alongside meaningless chatter and stale biscuits when he struck, deadpanning the truth right to Erwin's face.

Levi knew that Erwin didn't need anger management, a group Levi had found himself a part of at his therapist's suggestion - he fucking knew. Could smell it, almost. Erwin was there to soak up the problems of others, provide support and play a role that he didn't get paid for and wasn't trained for. No in-depth discussion had followed, no protestations, no 'how very dare you' comments…simply a mutual respect for the equality of knowledge.

Erwin also recognised Levi's reluctance and misplaced attendance, calculated easily that it had been against his will and would be of zero benefit to the albeit short-tempered male; he'd seen enough of those in real need to spot one who didn't belong. So they started to talk, weaving initially guarded paths through one another's personalities until they felt comfortable enough to really converse, the sessions used as a prelude to useful and increasingly connective chats.

It all seemed like decades ago as Levi walked slowly to their bedroom, followed by Erwin in silence. His nerves buzzed, electricity shooting to his palms as they prickled with sweat, Levi's stomach churning as if he were about to touch Erwin for the first time. What he lacked in words, Levi hoped to make up by doing as Erwin asked - by showing him.

Levi stood by the bed, head bowed as the hallway light bathed the back of his neck in a soft orange glow, invitingly warm and Erwin stopped behind him, eyes still damp. He waited though, gave Levi the reins and let his partner make the decisions - the emergence of Levi's sometimes bossy demeanour was something that Erwin cherished. It meant he was thinking and operating above his depression.

"Come here."

The mumbled request was met by Erwin nearly falling over his feet, tripping and eager to comply, the evening's events having taken a heartwarming turn. He hadn't planned on the confrontation, hadn't been sat in the dark waiting for Levi to return from work just to say his piece. It had been brewing and festering for some time and Erwin bravely stepped out of barely tolerable silence into a space open to a myriad of disastrous outcomes. At worst it could have been a blazing row ending in…no, Erwin wasn't prepared to think further on that and he shivered, standing at Levi's back.

Levi closed his eyes and let his skull drop onto the solid chest now behind him, a sigh of stressed release escaping his lips. He knew what he should say, what society would dictate his next course of action should be, but this was Levi, not one to conform in matters of the heart and he turned slowly, let his head loll on Erwin's collarbones until his face lay on a light grey tee. Levi breathed in clean linen mixed with aftershave and mild work, the end of the day bottled in a scent and he placed his forehead on fabric, lids squeezed shut and jaw clenched.

If it was a sob, neither of them mentioned as much and Levi allowed the sound to fall to the floor, dropping like lead. It was as close to crying as Levi could muster, energy trained in other directions and he pawed gently at the hem of Erwin's shirt, the pair undressing one another slowly. Quiet reverence followed their soft discovery, Levi's lips leaving trails across exposed skin whilst he began to make the smallest of amends, a tiny gesture which he hoped would build bridges and heal pain.

Erwin lay back, his whole body being worshipped by Levi's hot mouth and hungry tongue over what felt like at least an hour of torturous bliss, every inch of him alive with the knowledge of being wanted. It was Levi's intent to lavish attention, imbue his emotions into Erwin's veins through his fingertips with each dig and squeeze, allowing strokes and nibbles to shout out loud where his voice remained mute.

Formless sighs hung over the bed in a heavy veil of sentiment, thick with melancholy which needed to be cured, the threads of adversity still woven deep within them both. Their troubles wouldn't simply become history because of this, however it served as a starting point, the place to begin mending and soothing wounds.

Levi looked up, silver sparks returning to his recently dull grey eyes and he watched his husband carefully, checked for any signs as he slowy dragged Erwin's solid flesh from his mouth, swallowing down again in a deliberate sweep, throat flinching around the tip of Erwin's cock. He pressed and curled his fingers, working Erwin with ease now and Levi noted the clench of leg muscles, three digits moving expertly and causing a low rumbling groan from above.

That was Levi's signal to go further, a sound he knew so well but had missed incredibly and his stomach sunk, mourning the lost time spent together, more self-admonishment spinning through his mind but Levi tried to quash those thoughts and keep ahead of the storm, a fog creeping towards his mental shore.

Levi wasn't fully coherent until he finally found himself deep inside, Erwin's legs curled loosely at his back and their noses nearly touching, both motionless besides the rhythmic swell of fast breathing. Levi's hands lay either side of Erwin's head, his rapid blinks suggesting a hint of wonder or disbelief and Erwin cupped his face gently, rubbing small circles into the soft undercut at his neck.

An intense yet confused sorrowful remorse played in Levi's irises, his truth revealed stark as day as Erwin gave a caring smile, trying to provide support and encouragement, telling Levi he was there, they were there, it was ok. His thumbs slid to Levi's jaw when their gaze broke, insistent but kind, pushing up so the pair connected stares again, a brief nod of assurance offered.

They remained in that stance, locked to become one as the two lost themselves in a steady pace, whispery gasps broken by the occasional moan or whimper. Levi let his arms loosen, lowering to worm his embrace around Erwin's shoulders, lips on his hot pulse. He closed his eyes tight, panting wetly at Erwin's neck. Levi let his hips apologise, the digs of his fingers saying sorry over and over until he had to grit his teeth against an onslaught of bitter tears, loathing beginning to consume his soul.

Erwin felt Levi falter, his motions haphazard and a palm to the lower back stilled their actions, Levi's strained face coming once more into view. Hands caressed his cheeks, forgiveness in the feather-light touch as Erwin transferred strength to his partner, soft shushes and smiles adding gravity. Erwin consoled silently, promised love in tender contact and he shifted backwards, knees bent towards his ears, using the pillow under his hips to angle himself and bring Levi further in.

It served to bolster Levi, his shaking breaths turning to more determined growls as he brought them closer to release, arms steady and lifting him above Erwin once more. Their eyes contained everything the other needed to know, told a story of need and devotion and Erwin could no longer ignore the pressure of his climax, fist working swiftly at his own erection. Levi glanced down, the sight never failing to send warm sparks into his abdomen and he could have cried for a whole other reason, so engulfed in Erwin that none of his harsh demons had a chance of succeeding.

They came with each other's names rich on their tongues, loud calls echoing round a bedroom which had been so quiet and stagnant of late. Heaving chests were pressed together, slick with sweat and sex as they held one another, sharing proximity. Erwin stroked through onyx hair, Levi's body fitting perfectly into his and he heard a sound from where his husband's face lay nestled into the crook of his neck.

His soothing motions said let go, you're safe, it's alright and Levi succumbed to the build-up of distress, hot tears spilling over Erwin's skin. He needed it, Levi's outpour a long time in the making. Eventually he would calm. Eventually they would have to talk, actually talk through everything. Eventually, but not now.

Now it was all about protection.

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> This began as a crack fic which took a serious turn.


End file.
